IDLE BURGERS

24^TH TO 28^TH OCTOBER 2009

The Squarrites gathered as usual at Westbury Tavern with time enough to spare for Craig to make his journey from home twice over.

Keithee was well prepared and organised with all his Euro notes and coins in left pockets, sterling in his right and jewels in the middle. Jacko, as usual, was bewildered by his 9 separate pockets and resorted to panic attacks at each search.

Utterly, the new Squarrite, arrived 20 minutes late.

Bolt noted that the Munich beer festival was on at the same time as Stuttgart. “Sounds like Germany is one great p*** up at this time of year.” he added.

Keithee was looking forward to meeting the serving girls again with their big jugs and phenomenal wrist action.

Axe announced that he would be too busy to join the group in London and commiserated with the cab drivers in advance.

Check in at Birmingham, after a quick detour through the wrong terminal, was easy though the flight was delayed until 17:15 prompting Sid to comment that if we were 633 Squadron we would be there, dam broke and back before departure time.

Yup replied that he had already dumped his load.

Three booking references had been supplied but Yup’s “BW2 JOB” looked suspiciously like a badly texted request for in-flight fellatio.

Take off time was extended until 17:45 though the Bulgarian barman kept us amused with his observations about all the bloody foreigners spoiling Britain and adding to the security scares.

Yup asked “What is the difference between a terrorist and a woman?” to which the answer was “You can negotiate with a terrorist.”

The plane to Stuttgart was a 2 each side German built model but with low key English crew and cabin staff.

Stuttgart airport appeared ghostly empty but train fares all the way to Heidelberg could be bought via a machine at 60 Euros each or 34 Euros each for groups of 5.

Transfer to Stuttgart was available by early but slow train or the direct but later train that Yup elected to use. Several trains were rejected until the cry went up “The Yup says Yes”

There was only time for toilets and pizzas before the train to Heidelberg left from platform 6 at 22:31.

The train was a disaster by German standards (DIN?) and left several minutes late but was super smooth interrupted only by the automatic door that slid open every time that Richie gestured with his arms.

Arrival at Heidelberg was a lonely experience with a deserted station and Yup had to navigate by dead reckoning. He was forced to seek directions to the Bayrischer Hof at the Chinese takeaway. Yup’s Chinese proved better than the Oriental’s English and the Squarrites set off on the long trek to the Hotel.

Craig started to regret the lack of wheels to his suitcase after the first mile but continued with only moderate moaning until we met the local bag lady.

He was convinced that she was either mad or sinister as she directed the group to various locations and expensive Hotels until we arrived at the correct site.

However the Bayrischer Hof proved to be locked and bolted with a sign directing latecomers to the Kebab shop for the entrance key.

The door was opened to reveal a counter laden with keys to rooms and to the street door. Suitcases were quickly dumped and out to the Gecko Café for nightcaps taken from crinkled glasses.

Our delayed arrival could have proved disastrous for the Kebab shop was shut and the first night in Heidelberg could have been spent camping on the pavement.

Friday 25^th September

Breakfast was good though the toaster was slow and the bacon supply even slower.

Formal check in procedure was completed and out to the old town centre for the first drink of the day.

Stubbie recalled his youth with stories of the free spirits of the vicar’s daughters abandoning their underwear. “Yes, I think I’ve heard of Nicholas Parson’s daughter” noted Jacko. Bill commented on the quality and size of the conkers he had collected to take home though he still had some in the suitcase he had taken to Bucharest a year earlier. “William the conkerer noted Stubbie.

The funicular line station lay beside the Castle (Schloss) at the eastern end of the old town with return tickets priced at 18 Euros. Keithie was convinced that there were footpaths and the climb would be good.

However the familiar cry of “The Yup says yes” was heard and the train was boarded to the first stop at the Castle. A brief discussion of travel arrangements took place until a new cry of “The Yup says NO” echoed out.

The change over from new to old trains was made and the long slow journey to the mountain top completed with Keithee less sure of his call for exercise.

The sun shone brightly, the beer was good and the scenery required many photos to be taken. Keithee commented that a woman was like a camera – a box with a hole. Press some buttons and see what develops.

A large, hairy caterpillar tempted Jacko to make a close inspection. “Mind he doesn’t bite shouted Dasher. “I assume you are calling to the caterpillar” added Keithee.

A wasp appeared in Bolt’s beer. Many solutions to remove the offending insect were put forward including Richie’s offer to top up to the rim with his own beer.

Keithee offered to whip it out with his bell-end.

A simple precaution of transferring the beer mat from under to over the pot was generally adopted.

“Are we having another?” asked Yup to which the general reply was “Yes, but no wasp in mine please”

Dasher arrived with a large plate of chips with mayo and tomato dips. “Nice to have something with your beer” he said. “Yes, like another pint maybe” replied Keithee.

More beers at 18 Euros for 5 were ordered.

The journey back was made via a visit to the small museum with exhibits that included a waxwork dummy in tram driver’s uniform that reminded Bolt of the SS.

The stop at the Castle was worthwhile and star attractions included the world’s largest barrel and the National Apothecary Museum.

The round tower had been sheared in half in some bygone time as a result of war, earthquake or jerry building. We perhaps should have bought a guide book or joined a tour.

The view over the River Neckar was magnificent. The navigation locks impressed Dasher. “Look at the size of the barges” he said. “Onion Bargees?” enquired Yup.

“You need some serious therapy” said Dasher.

It was by now later than 3 o’clock and most of the eateries had closed leaving little choice. Half went to Pizza Hut and the remainder to the Irish bar.

Re-united at the bar the conversation turned to football.

Sid commented that Uttoxeter was midway between Stoke and Derby so that the town was therefore split between the two teams. “Derby were called rams for what they did to sheep and that can’t be right can it?” “Indeed Derby supporters had discussed the best way to do it and had recommended first throwing the animal on its back. How else can you kiss them they had concluded. He was surprised to note that everyone winced at kissing but without reaction to shaxxing!

There was more talk of football in the gents where the urinal bowl included a small goal and ball on a spring. With a good eye and a little concentration it was possible to score into triple figures at one visit.

The Irish barman recommended a pub in Stuttgart called Biddy Early’s in order to watch the big match between Stoke and M.U. on big screen T.V. His mate, Abdul, could take us in two mini buses to Stuttgart at a cost of 40 Euros each. The cost was similar to the train but avoided the long walk to the station and the consequent need to get the suitcase wheels re-treaded.

The way back to the Hotel was made via the old Bridge followed by the steep climb to the Philosopher’s Walk to admire the views.

Yup made a brief stop at the Indian Restaurant by the river to reserve a table for 13 diners.

A few more beers followed by a quick power nap was all that was needed to prepare for a night on the old town starting off at the Gecko Bar at 7:30 where Craig had difficulty mounting a high stool. “Like watching a walrus getting onto a bicycle” noted Keithee.

Off through the old town stopping only for a quick photo opportunity at Kunst Passage which was big enough to take all. There turned out to be many similarly named locations in the town but, as Stubbie pointed out, “You’ve seen one you’ve seen them all”

Yup led the way to the Indian Palace and confirmed that it seemed up to Squarry standard. A table was booked for later but left him with the problem of cancelling the first Indian. For the next hour he tried every combination of prefixes to contact them until the waitress in the Irish bar showed him how to use his fingers successfully.

The Indian Palace was empty and filled Yup with foreboding. His concerns were raised even higher when the waiter announced that he had no poppadoms or Peshwari naans. Keithee suspected that the place was just a front for a money laundering outfit involving sex, drugs and white slavery.

The waiter consulted someone by telephone as if to relay the food order to the fast food greasy spoon place around the corner.

Confidence and comfort was regained when the Stoke tradition of turning the plates over revealed that they were Steelite.

Graig claimed the first meal presented and was almost finished before he realised that he had actually ordered the meal that the waiter was trying to force on Yup.

Poor Yup had to wait while the tandoori was fired up again to prepare the meal he had set his heart on.

Dasher reported that he was looking forward to a good nights sleep after being disturbed the night before by the trams that had knocked on the window to ask Keithee to be quiet.

The night was finished at the Gecko bar with a few beers in the now familiar crinkled glasses followed by a few rounds of flaming sambukas.

Saturday 26^th September

The day began with a stroll through the old town to the tune of an um-pah band and a display of synchronised clapping and stamping by a group of South African schoolgirls.

The opportunity was taken for a quick trip up the glass lift for last minute photos, Hotel bills were settled and Abdul arrived for the transfer.

In the taxi Stubbie declined to wear a seat belt claiming that, since he was sitting back to front, the worst that could happen in a crash was that he would end up kissing Jacko opposite him. Keithee commented that death would be preferable.

Yup enquired about the deeper meaning of Beatles music and the hidden references to hard drugs. He was surprised to learn that Hey Jude had been written to Julian Lennon imploring him to consider masturbation as comfort during the break up of his parent’s marriage.

They don’t write songs like that anymore.

The driver had the attention span of a butterfly and constantly toggled from radio to CD and from track to track. He was so busy driving the music system that he forgot to drive the bus.

The Arcotel Camino Hotel was modern but appeared to have been founded on older, grander and perhaps more sinister foundations. The reception desk was full of efficient and helpful staff with a command of English that surpassed that of the Idle Burgers.

The rooms were stark but roomy and complete with wardrobes carefully disguised as mini bars.

We made our way to Biddy Early’s and Sid set up a book for the result while Richie and Tatee elected for more sightseeing.

Dinkel Acker beers all round were ordered though Dasher settled for Guinness with a dash of blackcurrant.

The match appeared lack lustre though Utterly got passionate at regular intervals and called for a penalty every time Stoke lost the ball. Cheese and ham toasties (with crisps) at 3.90 Euros helped to pass the time before Stubbie won the jackpot with his forecast of 2:0 to M.U.

The Idle Burgers made a confident return through the underground maze that doubled as a shopping mall and railway station to the Hotel for showers. Dasher went one better and donned his trunks to search for the swimming pool that had been promised by Richie. Keithee joined him in the lift down but left in disappointment while Dasher enjoyed the delights of the “wet room”. The only way out of the basement was by lift but, because Keithee had taken the key, Dasher (minus his wet trunks) was only able to travel to the ground floor. The lift door opened to reveal an embarrassed Dasher to the masses assembled in the lobby and refused to shut thereafter. Dasher was forced to smile and mutter Gutten Tag as he gripped his towel closer to climb the stairs.

Yup eased his embarrassment by taking his photo.

The search for a suitable restaurant led past the gay bar to the upstairs room at the Castatte zum Paulander. The delightful waitress positively zinged with energy. Bolt admitted he was “smitten”.

The fabulous main courses were followed by apple strudel and ice cream and more beer.

The two separate bills were settled separately.

The night was still young but cold was descending as the Idle Burgers settled in for drinks at the banjo bar in easy chairs set in the pedestrianised street.

Red blankets were accepted by Axe and Craig to be wrapped round their shoulders for warmth. Axe commented that it was all good preparation for the geriatric ward. All that was missing was that comforting smell of stale urine.

Sid observed that it was all downhill from now to which Yup replied that he would be grateful for a change from all the uphills.

Sunday 27^th September

The Hotel had been booked without breakfasts so the Idle Burgers gathered in the underground mall to grab sandwiches and coffee while some settled for a sausage and cheese concoction that looked good but lost much when served stone cold.

Craig was last to finish prompting Richie to comment that the concept of fast food to go had not been grasped by Craig.

Group train tickets were available with generous discounts so that it was cheaper to buy a ticket for 5 than for 2 separate tickets.

The journey to Cannstatter Wasen was interesting being part underground, part slow tram and part main line and took us past the open air lido direct to the park.

The Idle Burgers split into two groups- one to visit the Mercedes Benz Museum and one to reserve a table at the preferred beer tent.

The Grand Parade was a mixture of brewery drays pulled by up to 8 horses and interspersed with decorated wheelbarrows. One particular carriage loaded with dignitaries and pulled by a proudly trotting horse attracted attention. ‘That will be the Mayor’s Mare’, said Stubbie.

Yup decided on the Hof Brau tent and enquired about reservations. Entry to the tents in Munich had been by advance ticket only and Yup was surprised to learn that we could sit at any unreserved table. He led the way to Table 212 and a hard days drinking commenced. Half chickens with chips helped to ease a few more heavy steins of beer until the remaining Idle Burgers returned.

Dasher quickly caught the mood and was dancing on the benches before his refreshment arrived. Sid disappeared and was spotted in various locations around the vast tent dancing on the table with a world of total strangers.

A pretty Thai girl (suspected by some to be a lady-boy) weaved her way through the merry throng to offer breathalyser test for a charge of 2 Euros. The machine produced random, meaningless values and was clearly a good money maker. Her even prettier colleague did an even brisker business.

The toilets were a disappointment compared to the merry-go-round milking parlours at Munich.

We were joined at various times by strangers who were either lost or had lost it.

Richie treated himself to a cigar that was seen being enjoyed by various committed anti-smokers as the Miss Stuttgart competition passed them by.

The auditions for ZZ Top turned out to be a “man with most boring beard” competition.

The time passed quickly in a giant haze of loud music, walkabouts, danceabouts and drinking until the music stopped and everyone walked out in an orderly fashion.

With typical Teutonic efficiency the train was waiting to take the revellers away.

The train was beyond packed and the background noise nearly drowned the hoarse rendition of Delilah.

Axe returned to the Hotel bar and paid 50 Euros for 4 brandies. On hearing that he had a big bill Keithee corrected that big Bill had been with him.

Monday 28^th September

The events of the previous night were reviewed with blurred recollections.

Keithee had walked into a mirror and had apologised profusely to his image before realising his error.

Richie had woken to find his underpants were back to front. He was certain that he had worn them correctly the evening before and suspected that some pervert had had his evil way with him in the night and clumsily dressed him on completion.

The Mercedes Museum had impressed so much that Dasher set off to see the Porche site while those who had missed the Sunday visit retraced their steps.

However both site turned out to be closed each and every Monday.

We were lucky to all meet again in the main square for beers and pizza while we watched the world go by. A glass structure within the classical buildings of the Square give access to a lift to the underground but appeared not out of place.

We returned to the Hotel to collect the luggage from the store and Utterly was surprised to learn that the room cleaner had found his shoes in the wardrobe. Richie was even more surprised to learn that she had also found his jacket with his house keys in the pocket. Both blamed the other for the error.

The trip back to the airport was uneventful though we were soon aware that the return flight was delayed. The check in guy had some cock and bull story to claim that the delays to the inward flight 4 days earlier were still affecting the schedule.

A big mac type meal and several rounds of I spy and other Richie originated games helped to pass the time until we were called to the transit lounge.

Bill was first to set off the metal detector alarm and when Jacko followed suit the heavy hand of German authority came down. The offending item turned out to be the metal spiral binding to his reporters notebook lost deep in a trouser pocket.

After such a long and thorough body the grim faced security heavy triumphantly paraded the book to prove his prowess to his colleagues who sneered at Jacko in disgust.

He was lucky not to have the book confiscated.

The return flight was made in a small propeller driven German built plane. The English Captain explained that the intended plane had broken down and had had to be replaced with one from Edinburgh.

The flight was slower but comfortable with good leg room.

The taxi arrived on cue as Axe and Sid went their separate ways.

Another perfect end to another well organised Squarry outing.

Jacko